Sunshine Cathedral Blog

Question: I can’t forgive someone who hurt me badly. We pray every week, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,” but I’m not just able to forgive. Does that mean that God isn’t forgiving me for my misdeeds?

Answer: I don’t believe in religion as a means to control people’s behavior. I know non-religious people who are perfectly decent, kind, generous, and honest without any fear of divine retribution to motivate them. Religion should enrich our lives and add to our peace of mind and our joy. It shouldn’t be a threat used against us to keep us in line.

I honestly don’t think that God is judging, condemning, or frowning on us. Air doesn’t condemn us (though if we abuse it, it can’t serve us as well). Electricity doesn’t condemn us (but if we misuse it, we might get hurt). I don’t believe that God punishes us for our sins; our sins (mistakes) have natural consequences, but that means we are punished by our sins, not for them.

Now, that actually leads us to what you want to know. God isn’t withholding any kindness from you because you are holding a grudge; however, your grudge may be keeping you from experiencing all the peace, joy, and healing that God would want for you (and that in any case you deserve!).

We can forgive someone without condoning their abusive or insensitive act. We don’t have to allow them to do it again, but what they did to us was their misdeed. How we continue to punish ourselves by replaying the misdeed in our imagination is what we are doing to ourselves. The misdeed is behind us and can’t hurt us again; but our nursing and rehearsing the memory of it can hurt us. So, as we learn to let it go and move on, we are healed. Forgiveness isn’t saying that it was OK to be mean to us; it’s just saying we love ourselves too much to torment ourselves with the past which no longer even exists.

Sometimes we don’t know how to forgive. But if we will affirm a willingness to forgive, then forgiveness seems to find a way to happen in spite of us. We can simply pray, “God, I don’t know how to forgive N., but I’m tired of being sad and angry about something that is now over. I’m willing, at least in this moment, to try to forgive. I want to forgive. I want to be healed. I need your help, and I’m ready to experience peace and joy. Let the healing begin. Amen.” You may need to pray that prayer (or one like it) only once, or you may have to pray it fifty times. But eventually, our willingness to forgive will allow a miracle to break through and we will find we can release the past to the past and move on to a bright and blessed future.